“Life Begins Where Fear Ends” - Osho
Yesterday I snapped at my boyfriend. It was at the end of the day after giving 2 classes and 2 massages and doing my own practice. After going straight from the studio to my apartment, couch strewn with scrawlings of lesson plans, half chewed by Oscar (the cat), half soaked in the green juice that leaked in my bag today. I am surrounded by funky flows, slow flows, power flows, dance flows, how-the-hell-did-I-think-that-would-ever-work flows. My brain hurts, and I want pizza. I am preparing for my retreat here in Goa next week. My 31st retreat … you’d think I’d have learned by now!
This feeling of fear, of doubt, is like an old friend that I don't see for a long time but when we’re together, well, let’s just say its like we’ve never been apart. We walk in step, finish each other’s sentences, are so intertwined that we become inseparable.
I have to admit that I am quite attached to this fear. I justify that it means I care deeply about the work I’m doing (absolutely), that it makes me ‘step up my game’ and be a better teacher (I’m starting to learn that isn't all that true).
So what is it I’m actually afraid of? Honestly pretty much everything from ‘are they going to like the new flows?” to ‘what if they hate the colour of the bedsheets?’ and hilariously ‘do I need to pre-warn them about the no loo paper down the loo situation in advance?’ (I decided it was non-essential).
While its totally natural to fear screwing things up when something matters to us, as yogis we have an opportunity to question how this affects us energetically. What would happen if instead of operating out of fear we could operative from a place of love?
Think about it this way …
Fear = Ego
Love = Service
Fear says … what if they don't like me?, what if I screw up? It is ego centred
Love says … what do you need?, what is your experience? It puts the focus on serving others
When we start from love (from a place of service) we automatically quieten fear because it is no longer about us, our egos and the threat of not being good enough.
What does love for my students look like? It is the desire to help them learn, grow, heal and experience their own amazing abilities. I want to help them love themselves more … wait … lightbulb moment!!
“I want to help them love themselves more”
And how can I do that? By loving myself more, by trusting in my own abilities. Phew.
I now understand that the success of my retreats is not determined by the complexity of the sequences, the awesomeness of the playlists, the perfect hue of bedsheet . It is in teaching authentically from the heart, sharing my practice and connecting from a space of service … and love.
Now excuse me while I clear all these notebooks from the sofa …
It’s time for that pizza